things i'm afraid to tell you

through the years, i got to read so many blogs, and often wonder who's really behind the glamorous, perfectly styled pictures and cheerful posts. you know, nobody looks like we look on a blog. and certainly, nobody always feels like we pretend to be on a blog.

i, myself, decided some time ago that my blog should be a positive space. one for enjoyment and fun, carefree and positive. but i wouldn't want to create a vision of me being all perfect, with never so much as a hint of sorrow. my life is affected by many ups and downs. and sometimes i feel it's just one big battle we're fighting on this earth... to know those ups and downs of other people... it's what makes us incredibly relateable. we're humane, after all, not a living version of vogue or any other glossy magazine.

alas, i want to tell you some things about myself. i actually got inspired to do this by clémence, and many other fellow bloggers, that have contributed to what seems to be another wave of 'things i'm afraid to tell you' posts (others here and here). i decided to follow suit and share a few things about me, that i normally probably wouldn't be sharing (especially not in this concentration). if you actually get through to the end of the post and still like me - well, i guess i'm glad.

things i'm afraid to tell you

1. i don't like to call people. 

like, i don't like to be on the phone, to most people. it's not that i don't like people, in general. or that i don't like to be in touch with them. on the contrary! i write mails, chat on skype and send some 600 or so messages a month to share what's going on in my life. not exactly something to be proud of, i know... but it's just always been like that: that i get nervous when a call is inevitable. some years back, i really had to kick myself in the butt, take a deep breath and make that call. when i was a kid, i would ask my parents to do a certain call for me (of course they'd refuse, mostly, otherwise it wouldn't have been a half-decent education...). and though it got a lot better (like, i can totally make calls for my job all day long, if i absolutely have to - though i admit i'll probably try and find some way around it...), it's still not really 'normal'...

2. i am not really good with money. 

i think life is for living and enjoying, for making other people happy, and for sharing. often enough i feel i just want to enjoy the moment, and not worry about spending too much money on a splurge, like maccarons from laduré or a bunch of flowers... i especially like to buy presents and tiny things for people i love. but, with money so loose in my pockets, in the end it turns out to be rather stressful, since, you know, you might want to have a few reserves for worse days. but, honestly, i see it a teeny tiny bit like the precious carrie bradshaw: "i like my money right where i can see it... hanging in my closet."  

3. i don't use an electric tooth brush.

electric tooth brushes... oh, i don't just dislike them. i actually hate them. they're hard and terribly loud, and you can't do anything else with them in your mouth because it just won't stop brushing and will spatter everything with tooth paste... plus, i think they're ugly. i know a bathroom is just a bathroom... but can't we please all make a tiny effort to make them a pretty space, after all? in my opinion that includes either hiding those hideous things away - or not have one, at all. and just to state the obvious: i do love my normal, plastic, colorful (according to mood) tooth brush. currently, i have a jelly white one. honestly a pretty tool, that old-school thing.

4. i'm afraid of losing my best friend - my mom.

now, i don't want to start crying... but this is the thought that disturbs me the most in life: my mom dying. she's my best friend and the person i always turn to first, whatever happens. i can't fathom how hard it must be for people to lose their mom. i believe you never get old enough for it to be 'okay'. i would miss her every day. there is still so much i want to learn from her and share with her.

5. i used to believe in god, but now i'm not so sure anymore...

as a kid, i got to enjoy an upbringing with christian values. god was a source of happiness and joy, and always a solid foundation in my life. especially in bad times (though there never have been that many). but now, i'm just not so sure about 'it' anymore... i would love to still have a strong faith, to believe without a doubt, like a child. but as i grew up, some things got harder. life got in the way. and now i just don't know why, if there is a god, i'm still alone. because my biggest wish is to be with someone, forever. and i'm still, time after time, alone. i don't understand. and it makes it hard for me to believe in the power of love, and god.

6. i don't read the newspaper. do headlines count?

not never. but not on a regular basis, either. well, actually, i mostly read the headlines, if anything... it's not that i don't care what's going on in the world. sometimes the news just make me terribly sad. i start to lose all hope in mankind. i do read a few gossip sites though. and i couldn't live without blogs and books in general, and trashy chicklits, of course. (uhm, note to self: i'm not sure this makes it any better for me... okay, stop right there, scarlett).

7. i dream of being a host (in one way or another).

i know my time of choosing a profession is porbably over (for now)... and, if i had to have a corporate job, then being a strategic planner at such a creative and inspiring agency as Y&R is definitely the one thing i like best. but... cooking, and hosting dinners, and serving people. it's something that's in my head, all the time. i plan a dinner for friends ahead - for days. literally. often, i can't sleep at night because i want to google 'how to perfectly chop raw artichokes for insalata di carciofi crudi' (i found that particular video on youtube, in the end, it soothed me just fine...). it's where my heart is. i'll probably never have the guts to do anything in this field. but i dream of being a host, of having my own B&B, or of serving people with all kinds of home-made, rustic market stuff in a hut in the mountains. where people would specifically come to - for the good food and a nice chat. i'd hum while preparing the soups, tarts and salads, all day.

8. i plan a new potential & hypothetical wedding party every other day.

okay, this much is clear from my last point: i'm a dreamer. and i obviously like pretty things. and some beautiful things are always going on inside my head (note to self: remember to make this the intro for blog). like, i'm planning parties and events and festivities - that will probably never take place. or, at least, not in the near or foreseeable future. i've been doing that for over ten years. in my mind, there's a constant hubbubb of party planning and to do lists, mood boards, color schemes, favor ideas, signature drinks and recipes, venues and DIY decor from pompoms to flower arrangements and tassel garlands. i dream up parties not necessarily for myself (though i admit a few have evolved around my own - potential and very hypothetical - wedding...). if i could monetize the many wedding party concepts i have already filed and stored in my head, say, with 1 dollar per idea - i'd be a very well-off girl...

so these are just some of the things that i'm afraid to tell you. the list goes on and on. but a few of the most embarrassing ones have already been spilled. oooph, that wasn't that hard! and i feel... hmm, pretty good, i'd say, smile. so, wishing you a fantastic long weekend (if you are lucky like me) and hope you will continue to like me, just a bit, in the future, now that you know my multiple secret and very, very dark sides... for that: thank you and love, as always.