the start of 2013 wasn’t really what i was expecting. just really: the list of sources for sadness was already too long. but now something happened that puts all other things in perspective… someone in my family is very ill, and it came as a big shock to all of us. when i got informed, a dam broke inside me. all the toughness that i was trying to muster during the hiccups of the past few weeks, and all the no-self-pitty attitude suddenly left me, and i was overwhelmed by an incredible sadness and desperation. i couldn’t stop crying. so far in my life, i’ve encountered a few tough things. like heartaches or general interpersonal partings, financial worries, a job i didn’t get or a promotion that didn’t happen, a holiday i couldn’t afford, people who disappointed or betrayed me, loneliness and directionlessness, the challenges of having to grow up, much too late… but that all seems so insignificant now… now i realise that everything else just wasn’t and isn’t important. an illness is something so radical and dominant – that in comparison, nothing else is really important. health – it’s just so easy to take it for granted; and a severe illness always feels so far away. my life is a construction zone, yes. yes, i have no orientation and i’m lonely and worried that certain aspects of my life will never improve, and it leaves me anxious and tired of life, sometimes. but all that is just nothing compared to having to worry about someone and the family that’s involved.
at the moment i’m just trying to find ways to be supportive – although that is going to be really challenging for me, if i’m completely honest. while as my mom has this incredible talent to get stronger in times of hardship, i’m the opposite. when i have to face a problem, i break. but for once, i’m praying for strength and endurance, and for the ability to be unconditionally supportive. and for the strength to be positive and selfless, and for the ability to radiate strength. be strong and drink tea, my mantra for the new phase.